I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
