Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
