uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
this will be a night to untag.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
