WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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