I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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