The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
