There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
