I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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