Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
