My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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