I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
