Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize