You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
