I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
