the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
