Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
