just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
