I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
