his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
