dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
barbara walters just said penis...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
