Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Randomize
