I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
