I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
