Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
