Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
