the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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