Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
