I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
