in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
