Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize