Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
