Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
