the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We named our party play list daddy issues
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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