false alarm. still invincible.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
3 2 1 whiskey
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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