i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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