So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
