Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
