masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
