Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I love having hate sex.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
