I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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