the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
