She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
