i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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