Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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