Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
