that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
