My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i out mim tonsoeep
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