i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
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