we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
