Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
