I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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