I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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