It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
