i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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