Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm really into asian looking animals
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
