About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
