Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
