i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
FUCK WHALES
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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