Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
me + whiskey = a bad person
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
