I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize