u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
