Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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