seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize