What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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