my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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