new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
